19 September 2012

Sometimes you just have to vent...

I don't want to be here.

I want to see my son and my husband every day.

 I want to watch Brigid hanging upside down from her rope swing and digging in the dirt.

I want to grumble when Brigid tracks mud across the kitchen floor.

I want to hear Brigid's giggle fits when she hangs out with her brother, her "Shining Armour".

I don't want to walk a block before I can lie down.

I want to sit and talk about everything and nothing with the man I love over a glass of wine.

I want to wear the "grubby" clothes

I want to cook in my own kitchen, for my family.

I want to hear familiar beeps and alarms, not the ones that make my toes curl and remind me of "back then".

I want to see "our" nurses, not the revolving door of "have you ever treated my child before, and do you really have ALL the info at your disposal that you need?" staff in a hospital.

I want to scratch inappropriate places without having to worry about who sees me.

I want a hug.

I want to watch the maple in our front yard turn, to pop the bagger on the back of the mower and get mulch ready to winter the gardens.

I want to wash dishes, do laundry and clean bathrooms (well, not this one so much, but I'd rather be home doing it than here).

I want to watch Doctor Who with Reggie over a big bowl of popcorn, and discuss the "finer" points of time travel.

I want to wave goodbye to Brigid as she leaves for her first day of the school year.

I want to see the random notes and paperwork that come home from school every day.

When things are tough, or my mind is going a mile a minute with the "what ifs", I want to have my rock to steady me, to lean on, and to tell me we have gotten through so much, we can get through this.

I want to decorate the house for the fall, to bake and cook and make our home smell wonderful.

I want to make fig jam... but I will not even see my garden in the month of September, and by the time we get back, the figs will be rotten.

I want to be able to send Brigid to her room when she misbehaves. I want to be able to go to mine when I need a time out, too.

I want midnight snacks, to dig around in the freezer and try to come up with something creative to feed the family, to make breakfast for dinner.

I am tired of being strong, I don't want anyone else to ask "How long have you been here? How much longer will you be here?"

I am tired of knowing just how many people "don't know how you do it."

I want to go home.


  1. I can't imagine, nor will I try. But I honestly bet you do want all of those 'normal' things. Praying that that will happen soon. My heart goes out to you. Hugs....Joy

  2. Allison... while I sit here having a bad day myself. You remind me that my day isn't all that bad. I feel for you, having seen your temporary residence and my heart goes out to you and B, Dale and Reg as well. Life just sucks...sometimes. I guess its good to keep in mind that everything happens for a reason. NOT that it is any comfort. So many ppl are praying for you all, I know that wearing that Superwoman cape under your shirt can be real bothersome, hang in there. Lots of hugs being sent your way xoxo
    KEEP VENTING...sometimes we all just have to scream out loud!
    Tami xoxoxox

  3. HUGS MY FRIEND! I'm so sorry your stuck in an impossible crummy bleepedity situation.

    Praying that you are able to return home soon!


  4. Thank you Allison, for reminding me once again, how lucky I am. I wish to God that I had a magic cure to ease your pain. All I can offer is my love and prayers.
    I also want to share a story with you. Bare in mind that Teddy is 6, and doesn't understand Mito disease... he only knows that Brigid is very sick and in the hospital again...
    I picked Teddy up from school today, and asked him how his day was. He turned his back to me to show me a big sticker that he is wearing...The sticker says "I'm Running For Bridgett". (wrong spelling, but his heart is in the right place.). Today was Terry Fox day at school, and he was running to raise money for the cause. The teacher asked if he knew or knows anyone that has cancer. He told her that he wants to get as much money as he can to help his cousin Brigid that is in the hospital, so that she never has to be sick again.
    He asks about her all the time. I want you to know, that you are always in our thoughts! XXOO

  5. Hang in there little sister! I KNOW this totally sucks and you probably DON'T want to hear how strong I know you are. But I DO know and I KNOW you can do this! Sending you love and (((HUGS))). It's not a REAL one, I know. I hope virtual can tide you over till I can give you a real one! :)